The First Ghost

Started writing my Reminiscing blog post when this random Adventure in Online Dating memory popped into my head.  It was unusual in that, we actually went on a couple of dates and the third time we met up, it was for her college graduation party, bachelor's but she had a late start on it so she was in her early 30s by the time she got her degree.  Anyway, she was really comfortable with me and us to the point that she was already talking about doing events in the coming months.  We met in May on Match, I think.  I'm pretty sure it was Match.  This should have been sometime around 2004-05ish? 
She was so excited about things we were going to do together, she even started talking about attending the Labyrinth of Jareth event in August.  For those unfamiliar, it's a masquerade ball where the patrons are encouraged to dress as fantasy characters.  And Miss, I cannot remember her name but I think it was Shannon, already had hers picked out and that meant I was going to be pressed to go as her partner/opposite.  In this case, she was working on a peacock costume, she was going to get fitted for a corset in the appropriate color palette, feathers and mask, the whole regalia.  Which meant that, to go as a couple, I was going to have to come up with my own peahen costume.  Not sure how familiar you are with the avian traits but, like much of the animal kingdom, it's the males that are the bright, colorful specimens while the females are often drab, dull creatures.  

Peacock & Peahen
©birdeden.com

So here I go looking for muted brown plumage for my Peahen costume, I buy the LOJ ticket and get to work on putting together my costume.  And curiously, Shannon kind of drops out of contact.  Mind you, I had just seen her at her sister's place in Temecula and she even pointed me in the right direction to find the correct color feathers to start building from.  But I'm still plugging away and still not a peep from her for nearly 2 weeks.  Very odd that she's not replying to calls or emails.  Texting was still .10 cents a message so no to that.  But still.  

Finally about mid-July, still over a month away from the Ball, I finally hear from Shannon.  
"Hey, I just want to let you know, I moved to Vegas.  I already found a job and am renting a room from a friend."  

Say what?  Holy fuck, are you kidding me?!  Just up and moved to another state on a whim?  What kind of sketchy shit is that?  Did you not know you were maybe going to move?  

To be totally honest, I have no idea what she said after she told me she had already moved.  I was disappointed and a little pissed.  Disappointed that she just felt like moving away, not even that we were at the start of a thing.  I mean, 3 dates isn't exactly a commitment but you'd think maybe mention that you were looking at moving out of state?  And pissed because I just dropped a good chunk of change on a ticket and pieces for a costume that I'm not about to fucking finish.  Fuck, I would never have chosen a Peahen as a costume if it were just me.  

I stayed on the ball's mailing list for years!  I think I still get mailed invites every few years but haven't ever gone myself to date.  

As for Miss Shannon in Vegas?  Not a clue.  After that phone call, I never spoke to her again.  She did offer to pay me back for the masquerade ball ticket money that I was out.  Nah, keep it.  I'm not going to ask anything of you.  You already ghosted me once.  Not again.  

Shuffle Off This Mortal Coil

I wanted to say something, I wanted to talk about my memories, but I just couldn't. My mind was going a thousand miles an hour in every direction. Despite being able to write and read copy for on-camera talent and personalities, when it comes to my own words, I'm at a loss. I stumble over my own thoughts. 

Audrey was a great friend, she was a spark, a spitfire and like many of the other speakers today reiterated, you couldn't tell her what to do. You didn't dare tell her no because she would go out of her way to prove you wrong. And did. 

She was a bright blazing meteor that lit up the sky. And then was gone. 

I've lost plenty of people close to me over the years. Family mostly, a few extended friends or associates. But Audrey was easily the closest person to me that wasn't related who was taken too soon. This one really hurts. 41 is far too young by any measure. Her departure, I'm sure, is going to follow me for years. Every time I go back to Disneyland, especially the area that used to be Mad T, I'm going to think about her and all the nights we'd be out there with the group of friends enjoying the show and having far too much to drink. Every time I go see the Spazmatics perform, I'm going to be looking for her and Larry to show up. I'll think about sending her a message just to see how she's doing like the countless times I had before. Only, she won't be there to reply. She's gone and left a little emptiness in my heart. I'm going to miss my friend. 

None of you are allowed to leave before me. I don't think I'd be able to go through this again. 💔

I Can Remember It For You Wholesale

 I've generally never been one to believe in reincarnation, at least not the way pop culture has presented it.  No, I don't believe anyone who claims to have been some famous ruler in a former life.  Sorry, you can't all have been Cleopatra in ancient Egypt or a noble knight in the middle ages.  There are likely more people alive today who believe they were than there actually ever were when these people walked the earth.  I mean, if reincarnation is to be believed as a common thing, there had to have been someone alive today who was a yak farmer in upper Mongolia or an outhouse builder in the old west.  But no one ever thinks that, do they? 

General George S. Patton actually believed in reincarnation, and often claimed to have been a solider in ancient times, throughout the history of man.  

And the reason I'm even bringing this all up is, as I was saying, I don't necessarily believe in reincarnation but there have been numerous times when I would come across something for the first time in my life, this current lifetime that is, and realistically, there's no way I could have known how to do something but, I did it.  Like a seasoned pro, even.  First time I recall the exact moment something like that happened was when I first shot an M-16 in high school.  A little background.
We grew up, not exactly WITH guns and firearms around the house, but they were adjacent.  Dad kept a revolver in his sock drawer when we were still living in the converted garage when we were kids.  I know because as a nosey kid, you find stuff.  There it was, probably only a .32 or maybe a .38.  The bullets were kept in a tied off sock next to it.  I looked and,  I can't lie, nosey little Louie took it out to hold it, point it around and wonder what it might be like to shoot it but that's as far as it went.  Dad didn't really handle firearms himself much either.  As far as I recall, he never shot it, just kept it at home for protection.  And he managed to buy a Tec-9 in the early 80s.  Don't ask where he got it, it was entirely under the table, if you know what I mean.  That one, he did shoot at least once.  New Year's Eve, probably '82 or '83.  
But for me, personally, I never shot a gun until high school.  Even before shooting a gun, I was handling one regularly though.  In High School JROTC, I was on the Rifle Team and eventually became Rifle Team Commander.  It was for parade and presentations but we were handling the M-1 Garand.  9 1/2 pounds of walnut wood and blued steel.  Spinning, twirling and throwing it at other cadets on the team.  I got to know the Garand intimately because of it.  Being able to field strip it down to it's primary components and reassemble in just a few seconds.  Careful you don't catch your thumb as you release the magazine catch to shut the breach, it's gonna mash your thumb pretty good if you're not quick enough.  
But it wasn't until my Senior year that our class got to take a field trip to March Field for the day with the Security Police at their gun range on the base and we had an entire day to learn all about the M-16, field stripping, shooting and cleaning.  It was during this class that, as our instructor went over the basic disassembly of the rifle, it all felt so very familiar.  Charging handle to lock the bolt, push out the take down pins, flip open to remove the bolt carrier assembly and you've got full access to the barrel for simple cleaning.  How or why did I know all that?  There wasn't any YouTube videos to look at ahead of time.  I hadn't bought any books outlining the procedure.  But I know all the inner workings, the direct impingement operation from the gas tube, that's the hammer, springs, magazine catch and release, buffer tube...  It was eerie how little attention I was paying to the instructor because I was already familiar with the weapon.  And it's not as though the procedures from the Garand to the M-16 are remotely similar.  In fact, anybody familiar with the two would admit that the only thing the two have in common are that they're both rifles.  
And then going out on the range to fire.  Again, this was my first time ever shooting any kind of gun that wasn't attached to a video game.  And I was the first on the firing line to pull the trigger.  That much, I'm certain of.  Why or even how was I so familiar with something without ever having experienced it before?  

I'm sure a few of you readers are probably thinking you've had a similar experience in life, not necessarily with firearms but maybe your first time behind the wheel driving, you can't explain why you felt so comfortable, at ease doing it?  Pick up a hobby like fishing or needlework and you just take off like a duck to water.  How?  Why?  What made it so easy for you to learn?  I've always told younger students or even family when they experience a setback when they're trying something new, Don't worry if you aren't perfect the first time doing it.  If you were, you didn't really learn anything, did you?  But there had to have been a point when you DID learn something, wasn't there?  When did that happen if not in your current lifetime?  Where did that memory come from? 

Put Me In Coach!

 No matter how far along in life I'm getting, I always, ALWAYS seem to run across the same issues over and over again when it comes to dating or attempting to have a social life.  It's beyond aggravating since it happens the exact same way every time.  
"Oh, you're just so funny, we should definitely make plans to hang out sometime!"
"Yeah, I agree!  How's your calendar looking for the next couple of weekends?"
"Oh...  I didn't mean anytime soon..."
Not that I intend on reading more into any statement like that beyond what was said but at the same time, I mean, how obvious does it have to be for me to NOT pick up on what they're saying or doing?  Especially when it's happened before.  Whomever I'm attempting to get to spend some more time with isn't having second thoughts but they're looking to play out whatever hand they're currently holding.  My intended already has at least one or two other guys on the hook and wants to see where things go with them before they re-direct their attention to me.  So I'm getting put on the bench to wait my turn at bat.  

Like I said, it's happened COUNTLESS times to me over the years.  Sometimes with friends who I just wanted to hang out with some more but more often than not, it's a new girl I'm getting to know and I may have my suspicions as to what else they've got going on in their lives.  You can glean a lot of information based on what people say and what they intentionally DON'T say.  And it happened again just a few days ago, hence the reason why this topic is at the forefront of my thoughts at the moment.  Girl I had "met" online about a year ago, as the pandemic was just getting underway.  I honestly don't recall the exact method as to how she and I even started talking.  Friend of a friend of a friend posted something and down the rabbit hole I went.  Came across her profile, was interested and slowly started to get to know her.  She seemed all for it and when I suggested we maybe meet up once the lockdowns were lifted (remember, last year when we were told it was just 2 weeks to flatten the curve), we might meet up for something.  She was down for it and we went to getting to know one another better.  
Then pretty abruptly she stopped replying to my messages and her almost daily posts came to a stop.  Once every few days to maybe one a week.  Out of concern, I went to look for her other social media pages and came across an interesting tidbit.  She was suddenly in a relationship.  But it wasn't me she was talking about.  Well, fuck...  Alright, that's the way the ball bounces and I bounced.  She wasn't all that interested in getting to know me any longer since she had a new fella in her life.  Have at it.  And so it went for the rest of the summer into the fall when she would pop up liking some of my posts or a random, stray comment on something and she was gone again.  
Then a couple of weeks ago, she became VERY active once again commenting and liking my posts.  Did something change in her life to where I suddenly became more interesting to her again?  Well, the door's open so let's see where it goes.  
It's like we went right back to where we were a year ago, this time she was the one suggesting we could meet up, hang out and do stuff now that the world is starting to reopen.  O.k...  go on...  
She was asking all the right questions, she seemed really into me again and I thought maybe the dude she had been seeing messed up?  Maybe she messed up?  Either way, she seemed back to being single and ready to mingle.  So I shot my shot.  
"Hey, remember last year we were talking about us getting to hang out, spend time with one another?"
"Yeah, of course."
"Well, your schedule seems pretty busy but is it fair to say you're going to be available Sundays?  Maybe we can start figuring out what we could do together finally?"
"Oh...  I'm still dealing with work so I can't say anything for sure until after the 16th. (2 weeks from now)."
"Alright, fair enough, so I don't want to have you wander off again so can I get your number, text you, maybe even give you a call sometime so we can figure out when we can meet up?"
"Can we just keep it to here on social media for now?"  

Nah, you're not willing to invest even a little of your time to getting something started, I'm not going to sit around on the bench once again waiting for my turn at bat.  Kick rocks.  And the same pretty much holds up for even people I consider friends.  If I make an offer to hang out, do something, anything, nothing and I get a vague, "maybe sometime down the line." You've pretty much guaranteed that I will NEVER ask that question again.  No matter how much I may have wanted to spend time with you, if you can't even commit to anything beyond a generic, "we'll see," there isn't going to be a follow up.  
And if you, as a friend, are reading this thinking I might be talking about you too? Maybe I am.